a little therapy session

anxiety has always been a part of my life “M-O” if you will….when i was little i was always worrying about something or another…..and its kinda a running joke in our family that i am always bouncing my leg or biting my nails with nervous energy….it’s been something that i have had to deal with over the years, however lately, it seems to have taken on a new avenue that’s super annoying….

about a year ago, i was a little nauseated on a flight we took to cancun, and ever since then i have had pretty intense anxiety about flying. not crashing, or anything like that, but more like ‘what if i get sick, there’s no where to go…i can’t get off the plane once we take off….’ i know in my head that it’s all mental and that i am not really sick (and i have NEVER been sick on a flight) but that anxious feeling is there and it’s hard to over come.

i do take a few natural anti-anxiety meds (not pharmaceuticals but some recommended from my natural pathologist) and those definitely help, but i just hate that feeling of not being able to “talk myself out it” or being a slave to my emotions in all things anxiety.  so here I sit, on my flight, trying this new way of overcoming my nerves. i am just going to talk (or type rather) through it. we’ll see how it goes. so far so good.

i guess looking at other areas of my life, my anxiety can be considered pretty consistently high….for example when i get my colonoscopies every two years, i have to be completely sedated (like knocked OUT) for it. most people can just be given some meds that put you into what they call “twilight” (sounds so luxurious, doesn’t it…) where basically you are awake but end up not caring about what’s happening. …..not with me. not at all.

the last time they tried to put me into ‘twilight’ i ended up being completely awake the entire time and bawling in pain. it was awful…..and  i’m not sure why this happens to me…i think maybe my anxiety is so high going into the procedure, that my body burns through the ‘twilight’ meds immediately? is that possible? otherwise i’m not sure why it doesn’t work for me…..so, after my last failed ‘twilight’ scope, i went straight to the receptionist and told her that next time, and from now on,  i needed to be completely sedated for my colonoscopy..she paused and stared back at me, and then, choosing her words very carefully, she said, quietly, “well….we usually reserve complete sedation for those patients who are…. (pause….pause….)…..mentally disabled…”…… to which, i leaned over the desk, and in my most serious voice replied, “you check…whatever box….you need to check…to make sure i am out cold next time…”  now, i can really laugh about this….still not sure what my chart actually says about my mental capacity, but i couldn’t care less. i am out cold for it, and couldn’t be happier……all things considered….TMI here, perhaps? sorry :)

my issue here is that i don’t want to have to always be thinking of ways to comfort and protect myself going into situations. i want to be able to just pack, go to the airport, and get on my flight without all the mental anguish and energy it is taking me now to get there. i just want to feel ‘normal’ about it all. but i am not there yet, and so here are some things i do to help myself through these moments..not sure if they are useful to anyone else, but they are to me so here you go:

i have been praying a lot about this lately, especially leading up to this flight…and not just the ‘ Lord please help me to not feel anxious’ prayers either. i mean, i do pray that, but i am also praying for clarity as to why i am feeling this way…where is this coming from…is it trust issues? fear?…i want to be honest with myself about what is going on, and i can’t do it alone. thank God for Jesus, that’s all I can say :)

something else that has really helped me, is honestly naming what i am feeling. like today on the flight, i kept repeating to myself, ‘i feel nervous’ NOT ‘i feel nauseated’ or ‘i feel sick…’ this helps me because i know i can overcome ‘nervous’. nervous is okay. it’s common and known (as opposed to the unknown feelings of ‘nauseated or sick’ or even anxious… those are  never ending roads of worry:  am i really going to be sick? how do i cope with that on a flight? is this going to be a full blown anxiety attack? …this leads to a lot more worry and potential problems for me….) so telling myself i am feeling something that i know i can overcome makes me feel better all around.  nervous. i can handle that. that’s not so bad..

also, i have to give myself options. this is the way i operate in all areas of my life. anxiety or not. this is how and why i over pack! i need to know that in any  given circumstance, i have options. for my flight, i can work on my blog, read my kindle, listen to music or watch movies. it helps to feel more in control. when i pack, i know whether its a “fat day” or a “thin day” (ladies you know what i mean..) i have outfits that i like……..keepin’ all options open.

but honestly, here is the rub: in all of this, i want to take control of an uncontrollable feeling or situation.  i hate that there are things in my life that i can’t predict or control. with my ulcerative colitis, i want to know when my symptoms will flare again…what causes it…and what i can do to stop it….i think this is why it’s always such a heavy mental blow when my symptoms flare up, because basically, i feel like i lost control.  same with my worries and anxieties. the things i worry about the most, family or loved ones dying, my ulcerative colitis, getting spontaneously sick, flying, etc… are all things that i have no control over…..

obviously, yes, there are things, especially concerning my health, that i can do to really help myself out. that’s why i see my natural pathologist (and love it!) and why i have seen such great results. but the fact that i have this disease is out of my control. and yes, there are things that i can and do do to help ease my anxiety, but the issue is still there. that control may never fully be gained. i want to cultivate a lifestyle and (most importantly) a relationship with the Lord where i can functionally be out of control. does that make sense?

so….kind of a therapy session in this post…..thanks for letting me be honest….any other tips on how you overcome your anxiety would be great! :) it takes a village, my people.

ps: we are about to land……we did it :)

campers paradise

as most of my posts start, i have, of course, been meaning to post this for a while now…. but right now i am avoiding all forms of housework so it’s the perfect time for me to ‘get serious’ about my blog…

last weekend pauly ran (with our good friends caleb and libby) in his first triathlon! i was outrageously proud of him…..and significantly more nervous than he was about it. let me be clear: i had my signature *ahem*  “nervous bowel issues” for him, and i didn’t sleep well at all the night before….this also solidified my decision to avoid races for myself whenever possible (which….unless you are being chased….along side several hundred other people….it’s pretty easy to avoid races….)

but with the completion of each event, my ‘constitution became much more fortified’ and i was thoroughly enjoying myself by the time he crossed the finish line. before the race, pauly asked me “any last thoughts?” to which i, as the loving, selfless wife replied, “well…just don’t throw up at the finish line. that would really embarrass me…”

after the race, it was an amazing day of beach lounging, amazing food eating…(lets not talk about the 2 solid extra pounds that came home with me from this weekend…*cough cough*…), and general hanging out and getting to be together with friends and family. my parents and sissiebear and bro-in-law came down for the event and it was so fun to get a whole day of fam-bam time.

so here are the highlights, and i’m not going to write about each one like i normally do….too many….too lazy….

and he's off! 400 meter swim done!....i would have drowned...or just given up, which then..would result in drowning...

and he’s off! 400 meter swim done!….i would have drowned…or just given up, which then..would result in drowning…

finished! and didn't throw up!! how nice of him to think of me like that...

finished! and he didn’t throw up!! how nice of him to think of me like that…also: i didn’t get any pics of his biking because he whizzed by too quickly!

i love this pic of him finishing because it kinda looks like he's doing the 'running man' dance move! haha!

i love this pic of him finishing because it kinda looks like he’s doing the ‘running man’ dance move! haha!

this girl. i mean. second year in a row doing this tri with no other girls doing it with her! she is so strong and so capable and i am in awe of her. honestly, libb...way to go!!

this girl. i mean. second year in a row doing this tri with no other girls doing it with her! she is so strong and so capable and i am in awe of her. honestly, libb…way to go!!

this guy. i didn't even get a chance to take a pic of him finishing because he's so fast! AND he finished SECOND. SECOND!!! WHAT?!! #stud.

this guy. i didn’t even get a chance to take a pic of him finishing because he’s so fast! AND he finished SECOND. SECOND!!! WHAT?!!i mean, he obviously takes this very seriously. just look at his face.  #stud. 

way to go pauly pocket!

way to go pauly pocket!, my manly manish man! 

unbeknownst to us, paul's best childhood (and adult too!) friend justin ran the race! he and his dad did it together in a relay and finished FIRST!! way to go guys!

unbeknownst to us, paul’s best childhood (and adult too!) friend justin ran the race! he and his dad did it together in a relay and finished FIRST!! way to go guys!

team libby, caleb, paul!

team libby, caleb, paul!

fam bam. boom shaka-laka

fam bam. boom shaka-laka haha look how far away my dad is standing from pauly! he was a bit…how shall we say… ‘ripe’ by the end…..

stud. muffins.

stud. muffins.

husband and wife triathletes. that is true love. i will never love paul that much.

husband and wife triathletes. that is true love. i will never love paul that much.

after the race all the runners get free ice cream...and the rest of us? "well...since we're here...."

after the race all the runners get free ice cream…and the rest of us? “well…since we’re here….”

a baby with ice cream. nothin' cuter. plus a cute mom? win. win.

a baby with ice cream. nothin’ cuter. plus a cute mom? win. win.

race done. beach time!

race done. beach time!

beach baby

beach baby

okay...this is just so cute i could puke.

okay…this is just so cute i could puke.

super sandy hugs from noah! when we got home and i was literally shaking sand off myself for 2 days. no joke. worth it.

super sandy hugs from noah! when we got home  i was literally shaking sand off myself for 2 days. no joke. worth it.

i'm guessing oliver was shaking sand off for a few days too....

i’m guessing oliver was shaking sand off for a few days too….

some of my favorite girls. missing one!

some of my favorite girls. missing one!

one last group shot before the fam left!

one last group shot before the fam left!

okay so i guess i did write on all these….i think it was just too overwhelming and i had to give myself permission to be lazy…..(give myself permission?…who says that……oprah would be proud….)

alright, off to sleep on my giant pillow-topped mattress and drape myself in loads of down blankets, as the A/C blasts in my face. with a fan running. after i take a hot shower.

but i do  love camping :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a night in (my head).

i have realized, when left to my own devices in life (ie: a day off..) i will binge watch tv episodes on netflix, eat frozen m&m’s, and, most importantly, not workout. i guess it’s a good thing we are not independently wealthy…..i clearly need purpose..

pauly is traveling tonight just until tomorrow so i have an entire evening of nothing ahead of me, and honestly, i am so excited about it. sometimes a girly night of painting my nails, watching rom-com’s, and eating….well…..eating, is just what the doctor ordered.

so instead of being even remotely productive, i am going to post random pictures and thoughts for today….meaning, i will leave this post open for the remainder of the day, and see what thoughts pop out of my absolutely enormous melon shaped little head and onto this page. this should be good….or totally stupid…we’ll see…..

random thoughts:

“wow…this show is terrible…..okay one more to see if it gets better……..” (7 shows in at this point…..it didn’t get better fyi….)

“i think i want to be independently wealthy…..”

“i’m bored…….so glad we are not independently wealthy…i need to work…..”

“ooooo….online shopping……..”

“ugh…i should workout…wedding in CA soon……”

*chomp chomp chomp chomp* me mowing through frozen m&m’s……

“i wish my blog would spontaneously become famous……”

“why isn’t bridget jones’s diary on netflix??”

“i love my wedding ring……”

*singing* “i love la croix! i love la croix! thank you lord! i love la croix!”

“i miss pauly….”

“google search: jessica biel workout regimen……………nope. not happening….”

“where did i put those m&m’s??….”

*click click* “facebook”

*click click* “instagram”

*click click* “twitter”

*click click* “gmail”

*click click* “facebook”

*click click* “instagram”

*click click* “twitter”

*click click* “gmail”

“okay i need to clean…..”

“man i love apple tv…”

we were recently taken out to sushi by this awesome guy and his wife. better known as our uncle and aunt. that is a 'boat load' of sushi! ba-dum-bum.

we were recently taken out to sushi by this awesome guy and his wife. better known as our uncle and aunt. that is a ‘boat load’ of sushi! ba-dum-bum.

*click click* “facebook”

*click click* “instagram”

*click click* “twitter”

*click click* “gmail”

little tyse eating dinner. i could stare at him all day...

little tys eating dinner. i could stare at him all day…

oh summer....how do i love thee...let me count the ways: i love thee for thoust (?...sure..) warm weather, thine (yeah, i think that's right...) hot air balloons, and especially thouest (...dangit...) lovely evening walks.....

oh summer….how do i love thee…let me count the ways: i love thee for thoust (?…sure..) warm weather, thine (yeah, i think that’s right…) hot air balloons, and especially thouest (…dangit…) lovely evening walks…..

got my hair done up real good. i think i got all the cable channels plus HBO with all this foil on my head...

got my hair done up real good. i think i got all the cable channels plus HBO with all this foil on my head…

have you tried these on?! sperry's....*sigh....they are so comfortable! i bought these for myself for my birthday. happy birthday to me.

have you tried these on?! sperry top-siders…*sigh….they are so comfortable! and i feel like they go with everything…or maybe i just choose to wear them with everything! i bought these for myself for my birthday. happy birthday to me.

okay, hopefully that was thoroughly entertaining for you all.

4 more years! 4 more years!

we plergs have shouted this chorus twice now in our house…. meaning, of course, that we just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary! hopefully many more ‘4 more years!’ to come!

it’s really strange to think that we have been married almost a decade…shoot….it weirdly feels like it has gone so fast, and at the same time like we have  been married forever. i am continually, eternally, forever thankful for that man in my life, even when he annoys the living H right out of me. which is rare, the longer we are together. :)

this year we decided to keep it kinda low key….it was on a monday after all….so we ate dinner at a great place in minneapolis called the smack shack (delightful seafood and amazing atmosphere. plus. two words: lobster. mac n cheese. oh. baby.)  and then headed home to watch recorded episodes of 60 minutes. i ‘S-H- you not’, my friends. and we loved it.

since i started my blog i have strangely been thinking a lot about our anniversary post…i felt like it needed to be poignant, and meaningful, and make you laugh and cry and appreciate the little things more, and hear birds sing, and hug your loved ones a little tighter after reading it…..or something…..but really, why? i mean honestly there are just some very basic and real things i feel about marriage and here they are: marriage is freaking hard and a ton of work. but i wouldn’t do anything different or change a thing a long the way, and it really is the hard work that pulls us together. looking back, i can so easily see how God has directed us, influenced our choices, and walked with us every single step. but isn’t it funny how easy it is to forget that in the moment, or doubt that He will continue to lead in the future? my prayer for us in this next year is this: to remember God’s faithfulness and be more thankful this year than we were last year.

also, those of you in similar marriage situations, and by that i mean simply, you are married, or not, whatever it doesn’t really matter for the analogy i am about to make, (ahem…yikes…get to to the point sister…) enjoy life. i mean it. really enjoy it. paul and i, no lie, go to bed every night laughing about something, and usually laugh at some point in the morning before we leave…(unless we were fighting about something…then i don’t know what he laughs about on the couch..i can’t hear him….haha! kidding!)

but really, i know…. how cheesy and stupid does that sound?! i know i know…..but cross my heart, it’s true. we have learned to not live miserably, and to LIKE each other as well as deeply love. we genuinely have fun together and it’s amazing. i could never have imagine where the first 8 years would have taken us and i can’t begin to imagine where the next 8 or 80 will! hopefully someplace warm with a beach at least once a year….

so, here’s to us! TO THE PLERGS!  4 MORE YEARS! 4 MORE YEARS!!

our enormous smack shack lobster dinner. i LOVE to eat out with pauly. he orders literally everything that looks good on the menu and we end up with waaaay more food than we need, but we get to try it all! and here, it's all amazing!

our enormous smack shack lobster dinner. i LOVE to eat at restaurants with pauly. he orders literally everything that looks good to him on the menu and we end up with waaaay more food than we need, but we get to try it all! and here, it’s all amazing!

this looks posed. because it is. but still. what a hunk.

this looks posed. because it was. but still. what a hunk.

in our pj's watching 60 minutes. nothin' betta.

in our pj’s watching 60 minutes. nothin’ betta.

new york invades!

this last week our cousins (well really paul’s cousin and her husband and their children….. but it’s easier to just write ‘our cousins’……well…easier until i started explaining all this….*sigh….) visited from new york! *i always get the pace picante salsa commercial line: NEW YORK CITY?! in my head anytime anyone says ‘new york city’. (NEW YORK CITY?! see…)

anyway, jeff, erin, madison, and griffin made their way to ‘our neck of the woods’ (tagline courtesy of al roker..who is a weatherman where?? that’s right! new york city! (NEW YORK CITY?!) wow. anyway.

it’s been so much fun hangin’ with them. and mr. cooper. (a tv show that was not set in NYC. btw…too much sugar today folks! can you tell??!!! .)

bottom line: we love it when they come to visit and wish they would visit more often move here.

paul, jeff, and i all have birthdays in july! so we (cough cough: I) decided we should all celebrate together! so we (cough cough: I) bought a cake!

paul, jeff, and i all have birthdays in july! so we (cough cough: I) decided we should all celebrate together! so we (cough cough: I) bought a cake!

theeee most delish cake from yum bakery. this is the 'patty cake' and it's chocolate cake with buttercream frosting. BUT it's also ridiculous. i don't know how they do it, but man oh man, this cake takes the cake. ba-dum-ching!

theeee most delish cake from yum bakery. this is the ‘patty cake’ and it’s chocolate cake with buttercream frosting. BUT it’s also ridiculous. i don’t know how they do it, but man oh man, this cake takes the cake. ba-dum-ching!

YUM!

YUM! and how cute is it that they box your cake up like this?? i felt so fancy.

we had a dump dinner to celebrate the new york arrival! corn, sausage, shrimp, potatoes, and pea pods, all boiled together with seasoning and then dumped out and consumed! so fun! so yummy!

we had a dump dinner to celebrate the new york arrival! corn, sausage, shrimp, potatoes, and pea pods, all boiled together with seasoning and then dumped out and consumed! so fun! so yummy!

we took the madison and griffin to the como zoo here in STP and it was a blast! no fear for this girl!

we took madison and griffin to the como zoo here in STP and it was a blast! no fear for this girl!

the boy's first time on the tea cups! he loved it! at six he has already accomplished more than i have in 28 years...

the boy’s first time on the tea cups! he loved it! at six months he has already accomplished more than i have in 28 years…

gammie and maddie here a little....how shall we say...less enthused by the cups....

gammie and maddie here a little….how shall we say…’less enthused’ by the cups….

i mean....pigtails blowing in the wind...bright cherry red race car....with maddie's namesake....what could be cuter?! nothing.

i mean….pigtails blowing in the wind…bright cherry red race car….with maddie’s namesake….what could be cuter?! nothing.

checking her blind spots..

checking her blind spots..

checking out the gorillas! how cute is this pic of daddy and maddie?

checking out the gorillas! how cute is this pic of daddy and maddie?

too cute!

too cute!

cutest fireman ever!

cutest fireman ever!

gammie and papa time in the grass! big boy was standing on his own!

gammie and papa time in the grass! big boy was standing on his own!

this carousel was beautiful! i think it's like 100 years old and all hand carved. and it's run by some sweet elderly people who ride every ride and help kiddos and generally enforce carousel law. they were adorable. and all wore earplugs. safety first.

this carousel was beautiful! i think it’s like 100 years old and all hand carved. and it’s run by some sweet elderly people who ride every ride and help kiddos find the perfect horse, and generally enforce carousel law. they were adorable. and all wore earplugs. safety first.

this is the sign of a great day at the zoo......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

this is the sign of a great day at the zoo……zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

and what trip would be complete without a scoop or 2 at izzy's ice cream?! notice how i didn't specify 'zoo' trip. any trip. grocery, mailing letters...it all needs to end with izzy's.

and what trip would be complete without a scoop or 2 at izzy’s ice cream?! *notice how i didn’t specify ‘zoo’ trip. any trip. grocery, mailing letters, jury duty…it all needs to end with izzy’s.

back at home maddie had an electric car. every few minutes she would stop, answering the phone and EVERY time say "hello? how are you? i'm good. okay bu-bye." and once added "okay, bu-bye...yeah..i'm driving!" hahaah!

back at home maddie had an electric car… every few minutes she would stop, answer the phone and EVERY time say “hello? how are you? i’m good. okay bu-bye.” and once added “okay, bu-bye…yeah..i’m driving!” hahaah!

bath time princess....and madison :)

bath time princess….and madison :)

auntie jillayne and griff...who's sliding into second.... haha!

auntie jillayne and griff…who’s sliding into second…. haha!