there hasn’t been a ton to talk about in our world of adoption lately. we have turned in the necessary paperwork, gotten ourselves fingerprinted and background checked, and, most importantly, paid the fees….after fees….after fees…. however, one of the requirements for our home study was a full health screen/physical, and that, my friends, is where the story gets interesting..i have to warn you, this gets a smidge personal, so read at your own risk.
last friday before Easter, i had my yearly, ahem, female physical. i am pretty good at keeping up with these each year, and have never had anything but positive results….wait…negative….positively negative? either way, it’s always been just fine. this time however as she was doing my breast exam (i warned you it was going to get real..) she found a lump….actually several lumps. here’s how the conversation went:
doctor: feeling, feeling, feeling…. “hmmmmm…..”
me: “oh my gosh. what…”
doctor: “hmmmmm…..nothing. i feel a lump…but i’m pretty certain it feels benign. ”
me: (in my head: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!): (aloud): “ooooooookay…….”
doctor: “yep. i’m like 99% certain this is just fibrocystic tissue. (feels the other side) “yep. that’s for sure what it is, nothing to worry about.”
me: “welllll…..are you sure……” (my mind is racing at this point)
doctor: “oh yeah. you just have extra lumpy breasts. nothing to worry about.”
me: “awesome. that’s just what i wanted to hear.” hashtag:never felt sexier.
so, most for most people, i imagine, this would be the end of the discussion. the doctor says i am all clear, she wasn’t worried, and she didn’t require any follow up work. however, she clearly didn’t understand who she was talking to. for my hypochondriac-always-assume-the-negative-pessimism-or-bust mindset, this was the beginning of the end. this was terrible, and i was certain i was dying. i left that office taking in fresh air a little longer, smiling a little brighter at the startbucks barista….i was a mess.
after talking to my mom, paul and *several* other people (i am verbal processor, can you tell?) i decided i would not be able to move on without a second opinion. and that needed to happen immediately. so before we left for fargo for easter, i made a follow up appointment for that next monday morning at 7:30am.
easter was actually really great, and i was for the most part, able to put this all out of my mind. after all, my doctor didn’t seem worried in the least….but i didn’t get much sleep sunday night..
so, to make a long story a little shorter, in we go monday morning, (God bless pauly for going with me), to have the second opinion. that doctor felt what the first did as well, only this time he ordered an ultra sound to be done, just to make sure. this had to be done at the virginia piper breast cancer center downtown, which is when things got really…..real.
walking into a building with CANCER CENTER scrolled across it’s exterior is scary, to say the very least. pauly gripped my hand tighter than i thought he would when we walked up and i immediately thought to myself, “oh no you don’t! I can’t be the strong one in here!!” thankfully he held it together like a stud. the waiting area was scattered with women in head scarves, and honestly i almost passed out when i checked in. i knew that more than likely everything was fine, but looking around and seeing the reality of these women was…i don’t even know what…..overwhelming……..
i got called back and pauly came with me. ……as i laid on the ultrasound table, i noticed above me was a computer screen on the ceiling with floating fish and ocean scenes scrolling by….is that supposed to comfort or calm anyone in this situation? it didn’t for me, that’s for dang sure…. as she began to ultrasound (?) her way around my boob i saw on the screen the tissue and then a very large-ish black oval. one on each side, actually. the tech didn’t say anything to us as she went, but when she finished she said she needed to go talk with the radiologist. i don’t know what i was expecting, but i was hoping for at least an “okey dokey! this looks good!” waiting for her to return was the longest 10 minutes ever. i knew pauly saw those dark spots too, and he came and sat on the table with me and held my hand. i think i bit through my cheek forcing myself not to cry.
the tech opened the door and we both held our breath. when she saw us both sitting on the table she let out a little laugh and then said “okay! you’re good to go!”
“i’m gonna need a little more info..” i laughed..sort of..she explained that everything looked good and that there were no fibrous cysts or even tissue present. no scar tissue, nothing. and, for the second time in 4 days a medical professional told me i “just have extra lumpy breasts.” …….hot. i asked her what those large menacing black spots were on the screen and she laughed and said “a cross section of your ribs..” ahhh….right….
she handed me this piece of paper as we left…and that was the end of my little scare. leaving the center though both paul and i were pretty overwhelmed by the fact that for the women we were passing, this is their real life. there are so many women, several that we know personally, who are going through various cancer treatments right now, and they seem even more so incredibly brave and strong to me. that place was no joke y’all, and although i
was am so thankful to be healthy, i have a lot more empathy for those who are battling.
kind of a long story just to tell you our physicals turned out normal, i guess just trying to keep you abreast of our life…….sorry