i was planning today to write more about our paperwork and how things are progressing with the adoption process, but i find myself feverishly typing this post instead. i have been so emotional lately regarding our adoption, and i want to document all of my feelings because…it helps me sort through it.
i know i’m not pregnant. i know that. however, lately, i find myself, for all intents and purposes, feeling emotionally pregnant. i find myself thinking about the baby constantly, and thus thinking of myself as a mother constantly too. everything, and i mean everything makes me tear up.. a song on the radio, blog posts of adoptive mothers, birth mom stories, those sarah mclachlan pet commercials, any song with minor chord progression……it kinda sucks, truthfully! it’s like i feel a rush of excitement, nervousness, anxiety, impatience, and sheer terror all at the same time and my only response lately is to cry about it!
quite honestly though, i think i have been having a lot of fear. it’s very very real now that we could have a baby soon, and i am all of a sudden having an overwhelming feeling of “what if i can’t do this…” i’m sure all mothers feel this way at some point..(if not, lie to me, people. i’m fragile..) but it’s really scary to feel this way! here are a list of my current fears, in no particular order:
*what if they cry and i don’t know what to do
*what if they are sick i don’t realize it
*what if they choke and i can’t help them
*what if i forget to buckle them in the car seat
*what if they don’t like me
*what if they think i’m a bad mom
*what if i can’t handle this
i have lots of mommy friends and we have been having lots of conversations lately about the nearness of me and motherhood. i find myself clinging to every word they speak. searching each conversation for bits of knowledge and advice. anything i can cling to and take into mommyhood with me. i think because we have waited so long (like, almost a decade!) to have kids, we have been mentally and emotionally preparing for this day for a long time. it’s given us a loooooong time to think about what kinds of parents we will be and want to be, and we are very aware of how hard some days can be for parents. the advice has been great, but its interesting: the overwhelming theme from every parent we have spoken to has been 1) you won’t do everything right and 2) you will never be enough for your child
and this is why i am fairly confident that Christianity was made for mothers (and fathers, i suppose ). i will never be everything my child needs. i can’t be. the same way paul can’t be everything i need, or my parents, my career, or even my children. the only thing that can absolutely fill the “everything” hole, is my faith. and because of this, i find myself clinging to Jesus with both fists.
the crazy thing is, i already have this desperation for my child to feel this way too. to have a desire to hold so tightly to their faith and never let go. i want to make sure i teach them and train them and show them how to love Jesus. however, i understand better now why my parents took us to church each sunday. why they modeled a Godly life, and why they made Jesus so important. yes, they wanted us to have a deep faith, but i realize now their passion was also an overflow of their necessity. i want to foster a deep faith out of love and thankfulness, of course, but also, i am realizing even now, there is no better, and really no other, option as a parent, than to cling to Jesus. and i am so grateful for that.
so there it is. i clearly don’t know everything on anything so any sage advice and/or wisdom is always appreciated.